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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Camera ! Lights ! Action !

A documentary of sorts about my place, a few of the people who used to be around a lot, and me.
Trigger warning for comments re transition.
Fresh from it's run in festivals, Rome, Copenhagen and Cork - the Bookshop

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Being RA

One pleasant thing in the last few months has been finding a term that vastly better fits me than an old one, hence I can say I've 'changed', in terms of self description, from poly to RA .
Looking back and trying to find any precursive stuff to gender transition, that's the thing that most stands out. It was something I first expressed in my late twenties and wasn't particularly about romantic relationships, which I'd always seen as ideally somewhat open, but more about friendships. I grew more and more dissatisfied with referring and categorising people around me into friends, acquaintances, partner, work colleague and the like. Not so much because I was desperate to change any such particular status but because that sort of taxonomy seemed for me to put a stop to how each relationship might develop and kept me comfortable but unambitious in the middle of such.
So basically I spent a few weeks going around apologising to 'friends', exchanging ideas and reiterating my conviction that I should try and avoid such relationship structures and sets of expectations as far as possible. And that I take as a prime RA thing, to constantly have ambition for every relationship around. Of course one can do that without actually calling it RA but it seems to help some sort of belief to counter any internal ranking or structure of self to the relationships around. I think that change was part of the reason why having a wide chosen family has been such an important part of my life since then.
I guess the main way I see that as a precursor is that it came mainly out of a dissatisfaction with the emotional possibilities normally offered by society. Post social transition and the complexity and satisfaction I derive from being with people around me has increased more than I could ever have predicted. And certainly they've helped me cope with many of transition's strains. I seem to have a few mother sister patterns, younger women who I look at partly as daughters but also as older sisters. Those are possibly the most supportive. But I'm lucky enough to live in the middle of a constant social stream where I can engage with a whole set of different people and a large spectrum of possible engagement.
And I think more than anything it's the rewards that come from greater complexities and closer engagements, that are my present reality that most give me the feeling of transition as a coming home...

Monday, July 27, 2015

Wordy stuff

I've been making this argument in a number of places over the last few months.
The feedback I've had is generally always positive, but it doesn't seem to raise sufficient controversy to be widely taken up, hence this post.
Basically I think it's a reasonable, common sense sort of set of definitions that could be useful in defusing various tensions within the community. Thus....

Trans - describes someone for whom transition from their assigned birth gender is an important part of their life. It could be a non binary one and it could be something hoped for in the future, experienced at present or happened in the past, but it should involve a transition that would be socially visible to the extent that you no longer fit within your assigned at birth category.

Trans* - describes someone who doesn't fit in the trans category, but nevertheless in one way or another is, in terms of identity or expression, transgressive of gender norms.

Transgender - is the combination of the two.

Adopting these definitions seems to satisfy the utility of dividing a group with potentially significant medical needs from others. It also gets away from notions of dysphoria, wrong body etc relating to interior events and moves more towards performative measures, but not via surgery, hormones etc which are equally problematic. And it cuts out many of the objections to cis as a word since even the most radical of Terfs are hardly going to assert that they transition.
All in all it seems simpler than present arrangements.

Feedback welcome.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Years end

Lots in process but the year has definitely not been good for self expression.
Things I want to post about soon are...
a cautionary tale about how transphobia was exploited against me in a really bad way
travels in terfland
how concentrating on gender expression elides gendered communication and why that's a BAD THING on the whole...

Otherwise it has not been that kind a year. My aunt and father both died leaving me the eldest in our small family offshoot. My best writing this year was probably reserved for eulogies.
The shop has actually been fairly eventful. The monthly queer/trans* event for creatives here, a mix of food, readings and a/v stuff has gone really well. Next year we go to every tuesday being either a hangout or a queer/trans* event. Have had a private view of the documentary which is odd. The problem is that it mainly relates to the shop community of 7 or 8 years back which is about as relevant to me as the later stages of the Austro-hungarian empire but visually it's great. See how it makes out at festivals. Also in the next weeks we transmogrify into a not-for-profit community benefit institution which means a few things get easier, eg less tax on beer, but we broadly carry on as usual since we've always actually been such in practice. And we're looking for another place that would fit in larger performance style things - at the moment we can get about 35 in but that's often too small, though we'll be putting a video stream through to another room as an overflow. Really a place with a 60 - 70 capacity would be great.
And also having more people helping out. The one who helped out most in the last few months is a 19year old swedish girl. Wonderful to be with a woman who I don't automatically view first as an older sister, like the twenty-somethings around.
Good and bad political stuff. Found it shockingly outrageous that so many europeans back off from the whole Ferguson stuff, as if to avoid the whole notion of systemic racism. On the other hand I've rediscovered a fair amount of community pride. The way people came together to demonstrate against the police and in favour of the refugees here and the actions after to help have been reassuring. Very glad to be severing ties with the UK too, in that way. The acceptance of vileness like widespread food bank usage, the rise of a fascist mainstream political grouping, the nonsense of austerity approaches, city primacy and asset inflation being left unchallenged, all convincing reasons to stay away from the place.
Identity/community stuff have a lot to work through. Started the year with playing at presentation a little towards the butch side but now more involved in understanding myself in a femme context. Working on some slightly more pointed performance pieces re trans identity too. (Have an interesting thing going on of sometimes doing the same thing twice in a month, once for the 'straight' storytelling evening and again for the queer one).
Loads of things I haven't been able to do because of family illnesses etc and having to go back and forth between the UK and here. Too many friends leaving, and not enough time to develop the newer ones.
One of the better things has been starting to listen to more new (to me) music. So despite some good things I'll express myself to 2014 at the turning of the year in a fresh way like this

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


I suppose it happens to most of us, almost as a natural cycle. You start blogging anxious to share your story, but gradually the whole 'being trans' stuff gets less important and other concerns take over. Longer and longer time lapses between posts occur and enthusiasm drains to the point that one makes a farewell.
However , for me, thats a long way off.
It has though been a long and draining last 9 months of other farewells. Possibly there should be a phrase for it like 'putting the family to bed' to cover homes, hospices etc for older relatives and funerals. It's meant spending far too much time in a place I truly have grown to detest ( the UK ) to the point where I'm seriously considering applying for german nationality. And obviously it's emotionally hazardous to health.
It's also cutting ties by my disposing gradually of my remaining half share in a london flat, getting loans repaid, moving lots of personal stuff to Berlin, as well as pushing the Berlin agenda of changing to being formally a not-for-profit, starting a queer arts zine, looking at starting another shop, etc etc.
Seem to be having a run of interviews too - TAZ, der Freitag, a couple of online pieces and something for a health magazine. Paying forward...
Am also making a serious start on a book which will probably feature heavily in terms of blog posts here and possibly also using a vlog format.

As a kind of spin off from the forthcoming shop documentary, the following ad starring some friends...'Another Country'

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sweet Mnemosyne, 'tis thou hast ravished me

I feel quite strongly that one major stage of transition is coming to a close.
It would seem likely that this marks the end of 'looking glass' changes relating to conscious/ unconcious permutations.
I don't mean such terms as any kind of engagement with psycho-analysis, but rather with  everyday experience of consciousness. For most of us our self experience is of the eventualities of conscious engagement with information processing and with those which come from processes obscure to our purview. That's the only distinction I'm making .
For myself, my experience of gender change has been a transformation starting at the frameworks of arousal and perception, running through the changed possibilities of processing and finally coming at last in force to memory.
On a more basic level, the process is one of hormones and the plasticity of neurology combining to move towards a female norm.  With memory having such a strong gender dimorphic nature in terms of variant locations of the amygdala being used, it's likely to be one of the last to fall into line(?).
The last time I wrote about memory was
That still applies, in that there's a distance. I'm no longer quite so sure about how different I am in that respect compared to other trans people. Sometimes wonder whether it's simply a more gradual process with others as hormonal change thoroughly affects them.
In other ways, though, memory is really very changed in a process I've been aware of for the last year and a half.
And it seems very atypical for anything to do with the aging process.
The most obvious phenomenon is an increase in detail. Every memory I encounter seems more vivid, more detailed than before. It makes no difference whether this is memory from before or after hormonal perception related effects, something I find hugely significant and will write more of at a later date.
And of course there's also a rise in the number of memories easily accessible. It's very difficult to quantify but I'd say between 10 and 30 times as many, leaning more to the latter figure. Talking to cis woman friends and a couple of times the notion of memory as a burden came up. I don't experience that yet but can definitely understand it. Love the way it also adds to both the motivation and richness in female/female life exchange meetings.
Retrieval itself, as a process, is also very changed. As a man it felt far more like using a search engine than now. Memories were organised far more in terms of placement within an abstract model of the world or its projected structure. It is something that makes me rather more scatty. Whereas before I'd tell myself to, say, remember something in the morning because it's necessary to eventually complete x or y with a fair confidence, now, unless x and y are visible and quite personal it doesn't always work.
Example. Someone asked me where a mutual friend lived. Didn't remember the address offhand and started to answer but very aware of a variety of memories clustered together and immediately accessible. Could picture the london A-Z clearly, the page I'd last looked at to get there 6 months before. Which the tube stop was, getting off the platform, getting on to the Finchley road and quickly turning off it, a restaurant about 12 doors along and parts of it's window display, a sleeping policeman, the slightly overgrown hedges of a side street as I turned right and the 5 or 6 blocks before the house and the scents and... It took an effort to concentrate on exactly what I'd actually say in answer. Before it would be name of tube stop, directions left, quick left again and the first main right, about 10 minutes walk, without even thinking.
Perhaps this is actually an intermediate stage and that retrieval will get more efficient the more used to it I get. Or it could be that it's more a question of getting used the that extra level of depth. Maybe also a coming in to focus.
The tie to personal narrative is very strong. Going back to specific memories gives a sheaf of others to a far greater extent than before.
Example. Forgetting my pin number at the bank, remembering a couple of digits but not all of it, to mild embarassment. Talked to someone about it later, mentioning that I was in the middle of a post on memory and she actually thought that might have something to do with it. Don't really agree much with that in this instance but can understand the feeling of memories now tied down by a number of associations rather than riveted by a more focussed placement that might be testosterone typical.
Recently saw a study on prosody helping fix memories for women, the rhythm and tone of the words themselves as factors. I suppose that ties in to the same notion.
But mainly I see the example as more related to mental rehearsal. Undoubtedly I spend far less time in the successive approximations and conditional constructions that typified my male consciousness.But when I used to be there it had a benefit of rehearsing the future, of naturally being armed with rehearsed knowledge of what was needed/expected And in the process do something which deepens channels of retrieval for the associated variables. In thinking of going to the bank I'd be brushing up against the necessity of remembering my pin number, my actions being part of an optimistically predicted set of events in which I managed perfect recall of my pin number and consummate a financial transaction.So, without that rehearsal, memories aren't readied in the same way and a consequent forgetfullness can easily be fallen into.
Is this a long winded way of saying I'm getting to be a bit of a ditz ? No, I think, and / or hope, that the processes of memory are finally coming fully into line.It's a question of balance.
I've never been one for spending much time thinking about the past. Don't take photos, never very much liked reminiscing, though for other reasons now.Thats changed somewhat, if only to the extent that I often want to try it out. My earliest memory of being about 18 months old  is, when I return to it, more detailed with colours and scents. Have two memories that I've chosen to come back to and try and see whether I can remember more - meeting someone 5 years ago and a college seminar on the axiom of choice from the seventies. So far, after about half a dozen tries, there's always more details to be made out.
It feels somewhat like a temptation I should ration, not least because I'm so rarely 'there' in older memories apart from a sensory bundle. 5 years ago and my own state is more clearly recalled but it's almost like a dissociated procession of images, a distantly viewed movie.
Because, I suppose, the joys of this sea change include living in a world grown so full of the lushest ambiguities, the capability of such finer distinctions, compared to what once was. And so much of that comes from the illumination of memory.
More prosaicly it's about memory becoming even worse in terms of everyday sometimes critical stuff, whilst having a wonderful garden of the past to work. But it is the past, only the past, and perhaps an overindulgence for my newly 17 year old heart. My 7 / 17 / 61 birthday party comes at the weekend, something I absolutely won't forget about before, and hopefully, for good reasons, not after either.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

10 things I wish I hadn't known about before transition.

 I've had a very different and probably more supported transition than many other people and would make it clear that this list is strictly from a personal perspective. Others may find these things far more useful than I. 'Know one transsexual know one transsexual'.                                                                                                                                                 
1. The 'be prepared to lose everything' one. Whilst I can agree totally with the sentiment I do have a problem with the way it's put over that the major things are family, friends and sexual orientation that are at risk.
If I have to think of one thing that I really wish I still had, it's none of those. It's banter. I really used to love male/male banter. Losing that was very difficult, in part because it was so unexpected but also so inevitable, given the change from testosterone mediation of arousal. Or more simply not getting that boost to general awareness that comes from simulated challenge amongst males, and not, therefore, to have the slightest desire to simulate aggression to continue that behaviour. But that dance of words I do miss.

2. The 'it's the hardest thing you'll ever do' one. The impression is that superhuman effort against heavy odds may well be necessary. And again the focus is on the outside world and it's acknowledgement of our being in our gender. It sets up a a presumption of hostility there that I find an unwanted barrier in itself. For the most part I've encountered acceptance and often a shared excitement in talking me through my adolescence.

3. The 'it's the hardest thing you'll ever do' one, again. The hardest parts for me were the parts where I didn't have agency. Pms can be difficult and periods, in so far as what happens to me emotionally about every month equates to such, have occasionally provided absolutely poisonous depressions. All the wonders of the new emotional world !
And then the times when internal adjustments needed to be made. A wave of sensitivity needing to be integrated and understood or a change in memory or sexuality or whatever.*

*Actually I do have one idea for helping the trans unemployment problem and recognising the efforts required to transition. Just give every trans person an earned Phd in gender studies after 3 years of rle. Because it truly is earned.

4.The 'maximum preparedness' one. I understood I really was female and needed to transition at the end of october and I had a fairly busy 2 month run-up to the new year during which I had to get female clothes, prepare to shave for the first time in about 40 years, learn something about makeup and everything from posture to voice. Prepared I was not. Of course my approach isn't necessarily desirable, but it is possible and I think it would have been a significant help to me to also be somewhat assured as to that. Needs must.

5.The 'I must have repressed it' one. It's not that I seriously ever considered this one but it has been a hypothesis I've kept alongside for far too long. Simply I'm a rather male woman born from a rather  female man by way of hormonal/neurological interraction. Because both of these things can change in small, but oh so significant, ways, over time, with me and others. Obviously there was a birth brain condition, otherwise this couldn't have happened, but that doesn't necessarily imply identity, repressed or otherwise.

6. Terfs and HBSers. I trust that's self explanatory.

7.The rules of presentation - the right things to wear, the right sounding voice,the right everything. I'm someone who has always lived in the heart of cities, chelsea and bayswater in london and now kreuzberg in berlin with intervals in köln, amsterdam and stockholm. I tend to think that most of the 'rules' about such things come mainly from a suburban mind set. I wear, like most of my cis friends, little makeup. I dress nearly entirely secondhand, and I live in an international community of friends. Our rules are extremely flexible, where they exist at all.
The best advice I've ever had about clothes came from a woman talking about how relieved she'd been to stop all that bullshit of wearing different outfits everyday. Words to live by. And not being concerned with the male gaze is liberating, though the butch/femme border I'm on is a narrow one.
With voice I'm profoundly happy not to have had vocal coaching.

8.The 'you start at sixteen again' one. I started at 10. I now identify as 16, though more properly 6,16 and 60. Soon enough it'll be maiden, mother, hag. I'm witchy enough for the latter, have enough daughter surrogates around to justify the middle one, and the first will hopefully be symbolically delivered surgically.

9. The 'passing' one. Someone misgendered me a few weeks ago. Basically because I still have a somewhat masculine face and at the time I was bundled up against the snow, and the guy hadn't seen or heard me. Does that happen to FAAB women ? Sure. At the start of transition I'd be distraught, now it's an annoyance. 'Passing' is a problematic goad that can stay well beyond it's usefulness.

10. The narrative. The one that talks about identity as something with no correlates, a mystic feeling rather than a rational identification of oneself as of a particular gender contrary to gross anatomical considerations. Because that would upset too many interests.
The narrative that centres the transsexual journey as the prime expression of being trans, with little rhyme or reason save to add the respectability and intelligibility of such a journey. The narrative that talks of a spectrum of condition to hold together a political grouping. The narrative with an implicit elitist structure. The one that doesn't account adequately for most of my gender literate friends. The tyranny of a fairy tale.